The Mediator or The Diplomat

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smelltheroses.jpgAt some point in our lives we are issued some form of 'what group do you belong in' psychology test. It could be something Myers-Briggs related or the DISC test most companies use. Regardless of the type, though, it slaps a label on you. Nothing new there, though. We label ourselves and each other all the time. I wanted to discuss my labels.

Regardless of what test I take I always end up with a high level of introversion. I am an introvert. However, I am also a personable introvert. I have had people laugh at me asking what the heck is that? Usually, when you tell someone you're an introvert they cringe like something slimy just touched them. There are possibly introverts nodding at that statement. I'm not sure when being an introvert became a bad thing, but it's really not a bad thing. When people think 'introvert' they see some 45yo who lives in their parents' basement playing video games.

Back to the meaning of personable introvert. You know those people who talk to everyone, regardless of what clique they might be a part of? If there is a party, they will slowly work their way through the party. When enough people have seen them, or they feel that they've been well-socialized, then *poof* they are gone. They say their goodbyes, or maybe just to the host, and vanish.

If you ask those people later on about the personable introvert they'll be like 'oh yeah, I know them, but not that well' or 'oh yeah, they are really nice.'. If you were to ask their favorite color, food, or something, they'd stop and think and shake their head. They wouldn't know unless they were a close friend. And if they were a close friend, depending on the nature of the question, they would also most likely not answer.

At work they are nice to everyone. Coworkers, customers, visitors, the vending machine guy. They'll help with doors, answer questions, and even offer water, coffee, or tea. They appear to be social creatures who enjoy being around people, when the truth is, they are being kind to get the people to go away faster so they can continue on whatever it is they are in the process of doing. Unfortunately, due to their kind nature, it tends to blow up in their face.

Personable Introverts are just like regular introverts, accept they put on an exterior shell called 'my fake extrovert mask' and hope to get through a day without having every ounce of energy drained from them. They also tend to be somewhat empathic, or they may be VERY empathic. Depending on how well their emotional walls are built, this extra-sensory perception could also fluctuate. Basically, this means they suck up your emotions, whether they are good or bad, like a sponge.

When you take any kind of introvert and put them in an environment with many others nearby, such as Cubeland, they are most likely only going to leave their cube when they absolutely need to do so. The reason behind this is they may hear every person around them, but they can't see them. Deep down inside they pretend they aren't there and they try to tune them out. It's helpful if they have a job where they can wear headphones or listen to music at a reasonable volume.

Due to these lovely 'tests' I usually end up being labeled the Diplomat or the Mediator. I want everyone to get along and I want everyone to be happy. However, I don't feel that is a good answer to what I actually want. What I truly want (what I reall really want) is for people to be honest, trustworthy, and to believe in themselves. I want people to say "let us agree to disagree" instead of getting hot-headed. I want people to be accepting.

Now, don't get me wrong, obviously terrorizing people or molesting children or raping and killing are not acceptable. However, do I care if men want to marry other men? No. Do I care if women want to marry other women? No. Do I care if four, six, or ten people want to be in a polyamorous relationship together? No.

What I care about is that they found a way that life works for them. They found a way to live happily and (hopefully) peacefully. There isn't any harm being done to themselves or others. They treat everyone respectfully. They don't go out of their way to shove the way they have chosen to live their life into other people's faces (the whole, I don't care what you do or who you are, just stay off my lawn, way of life).

All in all.. I just want people to take a step back, evaluate their thoughts, take another step back, then breathe deeply in and out a few times really slowly before telling others that what they think, feel, say, do, want, love, hate, etc, are bad or wrong. I'd also like it if people would stop worrying about what others think about them. Their opinion shouldn't matter. Your opinion of yourself is what matters the most and if you are a good person who does good things, or at the very least, is trying to be good, then leave it at that.

Did you feed the family? Did you make money to pay your bills? Did you use that money to feed the family and pay the bills? Did you do your best at work today? Did you take time out for yourself to stop and 'smell the roses'? You do not have to sacrifice all of your being for others. That's where we end up with hate and drama and pent-up anger.

Now.. go out and smell the roses.

Say vs Do

This is a seriously opinionated post. I'm turning comments off.


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stop.jpgDear Motivational Speaker,

First, your 'special terms' for the different aspects of people are not quirky, they are kind of stupid. You basically took terms and read off synonyms and definitions and then said 'this is what it means if you're this type'. Also, I'd like to say that people who are creative, whether it be building, designing, or other forms of art-worthy terms you read off your list, do enjoy the outcome of the project. Yes, the process of creating something is enjoyable, depending on who you're doing it for or why. However, seeing a finished project and the respect you have (hopefully) gained from people who see the finished product is a huge bonus. Telling our managers not to reward the creatives in the business after a project is finished is not only rude, you're basically saying "just keep piling the work on them so they are always 'in the process' and they'll always be content!"

Thanks, but no thanks. I've known tons of creative people over the years, in many forms of creativity, and they are always thrilled with their finished project. They wear the stuff they knit or sew. They use the stuff they build. They don't toss it in the back corner of the closet or shed and whine that it's perfect but meh, I don't want anything to do with it now that it's over. 

Second, I really didn't care to hear about how wonderful your life turned out to be. Great for you, working for that incredible organization and all. I'm sorry that becoming a parent and retiring from that incredible organization was such a trying time for you in your early 30s. 

Third... please get out of motivational speaking. The only thing you motivated in me was the wish the day would go quickly so I could get home with a nice, slow evening full of doing something creative, cooking dinner, and watching a favorite tv show. 

Thanks for wasting an hour and half of my day, it was the best part of your speech.

Funny vs Mean

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mean.jpgI see this meme all the time. I see it on facebook, I see it on twitter. This image I found over on pinterest. But, seriously, I have probably seen this a thousand and one times over the past several months.

I am quite sure that I have shared it at some point. You probably have as well. Seeing this phrase may have even made you chuckle a little and think 'yeah, that's me!' but did you stop and think about why? Are you really a mean person?

I consider myself a mean person and there are several people who know me will tell you outright that I am not mean at all. However, these people don't see the inner me, they see the public me. They don't know who I am inside my head. So when I say "I'm not really nice." I actually do mean it. 

The number of times I have had people try to contradict me on this statement astounds me. They do it because I have done something nice or without arguing. I covered their ass. I did an assignment for them. I helped them out with a project. That's why they think I am a nice person. What they don't know is that I complain inside my head (and on twitter) about things that would probably make them blush, or make them outright angry.

Let me introduce you to a saga by Jacqueline Carey called Kushiel's Legacy. In the second set of books she officially introduces you to Imriel in depth. This is after he's been rescued from a nightmare of being abused and tortured in the previous book. His goal is very simple. All you have to do is pick up Kushiel's Scion and read the back. It states "I will try to be good." That is his goal in life. It isn't wanting to be good. It isn't even being good. He says I will TRY. He will make an effort to be good. 

That is how I feel. I try to be good. Good to myself, good to others. 

I try to make good decisions. I try not to let the way other people treat me affect who I am, but that's a crock, right? Everyone everywhere is affected by something someone else has done or said. If they weren't, then we would be a bunch of emotionless automatons. I feel, therefore I exist. I have emotions, therefore I feel. I am broken, because I have been hurt.

We have such a great capacity to hurt others. There doesn't even have to be any form of actual gain to the person doing the hurting. Have I hurt people? Yes. I have hurt people. Did I do so intentionally? Sometimes, yes I damn well did. Do I feel bad about hurting someone intentionally? See, there's the rub. Not always. I have reasons for the things I do and yes, I know it's not right to hurt others, but then there's that lovely phrase "I will try to be good." and that is what I do. I try, and try again. 

We have so many chances to try to be good. To make good choices. Unfortunately, when it comes to making good choices, it isn't always clear cut whether or not the choice you make will actually turn out to be a good choice. It could be an instant knowledge that "Yes! That was an excellent choice." and then there are the "Oh, holy crap, what the fuck just went sideways and WHY?"

I will always try to be good, but like any human, I am an imperfect being and there are times where I fail utterly to be good. Let's take something I learned from a little movie called Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure: Be Excellent To Each Other. If you can't do that, then try to be good. 


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disillusioned - adjective
Defined As: having lost faith or trust in something : disappointed that something is not as good, valuable, true, etc., as it had seemed
having lost one's ideals, illusions, or false ideas about someone or something; disenchanted

I had thought that one day, someday, I would find something that makes me feel as though the sun is shining brightly even during the worst storm in the past decade was swirling around me. Unfortunately, the world is full of humans who are selfish, ignorant, and treat others without compassion. I have tried several times to write a new beginning post here. Wiping away the entries by putting them into draft status, or even going so far as wiping them out completely (after saving them on a disc or flash drive somewhere first) usually helps. However, this time... this time is different. I am different. Ever changing as the sky changes colors through the day, the seasons, sometimes even the hour. 

Several times over the years I have thought also about putting an end to this blog. Most people have a hard time getting a blog started. While I feel that I just wanted to write, and share my thoughts, I did. Yes, now and again I had tried to make a little cash from the blog, but never really did. I'm fine with that, it wasn't the reason the blog was started in the first place. It was started to voice my thoughts and opinions about the world around me and my place in it. I wanted to state what I have seen and how it made me feel. I wanted to express feelings. It never mattered to me to raise an audience. It didn't bother me if no one read or commented, and it still doesn't make that big of a difference.

The issue I have is that I do not go out into the world as much as I once did. Other than work, grocery shopping, the occasional outing, and (when the holidays are over and my schedule isn't running me ragged) the gym, I stay at home. I can't really afford going out and doing things. Even the cheap movie seats are sometimes too expensive. Now and again the Little Lady is capable of dragging me out, and I don't mind that she does, but the comfort of home rings so deeply that I prefer being there. If I have a need to go out and be around *gag* people, then I go to the mall and wander around window-shopping. I get enough people-watching in, maybe even actually purchase a few small sale items, then I go home. 

I still love reading. I am again trying my hand at writing short stories. I have fallen in love with a few television shows, and still love others that have been on for years. Gaming-wise, I am a Skyrim Addict and should probably be put into some kind of mental institution (where they allow you to play Skyrim for as long as you want). I accidentally deleted the game last night from my Xbox. Yeah.. I did that. I redownloaded the game and immediately recreated my character. I went ahead and started the new game but didn't get far before bedtime. The only reason that I am not truly upset about this is because the glitches in my main game are gone. Hopefully, I'll be able to prevent them in this new game because it is really annoying not to be able to remove something from your inventory for a quest where someone died. And yes, I'm rambling.

I don't really want to go on any kind of rant about society. It pains me to see all the hatred in the world. It hurts to see all the suffering going on. It's even worse knowing that suffering is caused by someone who just didn't care. The sun is shining right now and it's a bright spot in the day. Wouldn't it be nice if people just stopped to lift their face to the sunshine and breathed in the cold air and say "I'm going to spread compassion today."? 

Every day I am nice. Every single fucking day I am kind. People even say that I am patient or good. Personally, I am none of those things without effort. Even playing a game like Skyrim, I am nice. Do you have any idea how fucked up in the head you have to be to be kind in a game that you're allowed to go batshit crazy and kill everyone and everything? Every time a damned guard asks me "What's wrong? Did someone steal your sweetroll?" I want to beat them to death. I know it's a joke from the previous game (which I didn't play, I found that out reading a blog about Skyrim) but it infuriates me to the point that I wish my character could tell them "YES, you mother fucking cocksucker, someone DID steal my sweetroll!"* but she cannot because it isn't in the pre-defined conversations.

As you can see, this blog is still full of the wonders of sarcasm and profanity. Those things will always be here, they are my favorite languages. I speak fluently in them. The Demon that plagues me with Anger and Rage is still there, sitting below the surface. I hide her face so well that people don't believe she exists. I take a moment and explain to them that I am not a nice person, not truly. They don't understand. Then when I have a bad day where I say something a little too sharp, they freak out. Which pisses me off. Every other person can flip out and snap at you and it's all roses, but because I left the box that YOU put me in... and had a bad day or a bad moment, I'm held accountable.

I don't like being labeled any more than anyone else in the entire universe. And it isn't right to be held to such a lofty status that the word 'nice' entails. I truly can't believe people have the audacity to think that I am nice. I don't ask about their lives. I don't ask about their children or their partners unless there is nothing else to talk about and the weather conversation... I hate small talk. Those who I ask about the kids, the partners, their families, work, etc? Those are the people I care about. The ones I could call at 4am with an emergency and they would be on their way to hold my hand, if need be, or just listen to me cry over the phone. I've never taken advantage of it though. I try to keep my crises, if they happen, during daylight hours. I suppose I could be afraid that they wouldn't answer.

Staying home, being forcibly cuddled by Peanut, and watching tv or playing a game makes me feel relaxed. Do I get lonely? Sometimes. Then I visit Twitter and Facebook and see all the drama that simply makes me wish I had the power to reboot the system. And by system I mean this entire planet. It is the holiday season and there are protesters in the streets. There are people looting and burning down buildings. There are people killing each other, whether accidental or purposefully, people are dying. Every single life matters and we treat life as if it were a commodity. We buy and sell our souls every day. 

Alright, I suppose I will get off of this semi-rant now. 

Go outside. Feel the sunshine on your face. Is it raining? Snowing? Do it anyway. Go outside, close your eyes and tilt your face up to the sky. Be thankful that you are here. Be thankful that you can feel. Be grateful for the people in your life who are nice to you, yes including the ones like me who aren't nice (because if someone who isn't nice is being nice to you that means you haven't been added to their List). Smile at someone (in as non-creepy way as possible). Wish them a happy holiday or season's greetings. Celebrate Christmas? Then wish them a merry one. Remember to wish them Good Health and Happiness for the New Year as well. Spread some Joy, dammit. 

(*I've never kept a sweetroll long enough to be stolen, if I bother to pick one up at all and any attempts would be met with something very painful in the offender's head.)

About Disillusioned

Disillusioned is a personal view of the world around me. A lot of information will be about books I read, or shows/movies I watch but sometimes there will be something that simply has to be pointed out and shredded. With Joy.

Disillusioned is best viewed in 1280x800 resolution.

To contact me you can email me by way of disillusioned at, comments are open for business with approval.


About Chelle

Yeah, that's me! I am 25 37, I live in Ohio. I have one beautiful teenage daughter and one lovable cat. I enjoy writing, reading, television, anime and annoying my daughter. I'm also trying to learn Japanese because I want to visit Japan someday. Yes, I'm over 30 and I like anime, do you have an issue with that?

If you really wish to know even more about how fantastic I truly am, here you go: About Me

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Michelle C. Miller
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